I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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