Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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