you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
