20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
