hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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