btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
