he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
