i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
