Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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