my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
