She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
