all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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