I am puke
do herpes really smell.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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