3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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