Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
