He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
