Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I didn't notice because vodka
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
