The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
