Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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