you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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