I skipped work to stalk him.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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