when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
