We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize