I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
