ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
