Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
