I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
