You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize