Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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