this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
