I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
