My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
