You just made me feel so damn special
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
