she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
