he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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