shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
