my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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