I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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