I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
