Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
