I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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