Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
