The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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