i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
