It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
