did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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