I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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