You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
