If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i think i have two assholes
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
