boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
