Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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