i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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