i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Who died my cat blue again?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
