Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
