I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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