Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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