She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
