the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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