Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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