i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
