I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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